2015 – No Man’s Land

“An indeterminate or undefined place or state” – sums up how I’m feeling at the beginning of this ‘New Year’.

I had a lovely christmas with my family but since New Year’s Eve I have taken about a million steps backwards and I’m in a bad place.

All my social media is full of friends getting engaged, married, moving house, having babies – and I’m feeling very very sorry for myself!

I’m struggling to imagine myself ever getting married again, makes me physically sick to think of re-living a wedding day. I’m finding it hard to imagine someone fitting into my family again, having to re-introduce someone to all my relatives and friends. H knows them all, is it not just easier to allow him back in?

I’m also feeling extremely broody and want to have a family of my own. My 90 year old Grandad has been poorly over Christmas, he’s getting older by the day, as are my parents – I want them all to be there when I have kids of my own – would it just be easier and quicker to allow H back in to make this happen sooner rather than risking the fact that I may never have children?

I want my own home again, a place to call my own and have my own space to relax and watch what I want on TV, cook what I want for dinner, leave the dirty dishes out overnight if I want to – I can’t buy anywhere until I’ve sorted out what I’m going to do, I’m still married to H.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that I have to want him back for the right reasons not to just ‘make do’ so I can have all of the above, and I know it’s not the easy way out because Forgiving and Forgetting would be near impossible, but I’m really struggling to imagine letting go (again!).

So where are we up to – I’ve heard less from him in recent weeks, he went through a stage of texting me quite a bit but then I think he wanted to give me some space. I saw him before Christmas because he wanted to give me some gifts from his family. He also handed me an envelope from him. I opened it on Christmas eve (to save me the upset on Christmas day). In it was a gift…tickets to watch a band (not cheap I should add!!). The card read ‘I will always love you’.

I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know whether I could accept the gift. I’m still unsure what I’ll do with the tickets when they arrive. But he’s a fool if he thinks a gesture like this will right all the wrongs.

But since then I haven’t spoken to him and only had 1 or 2 texts about some old bills we needed to pay. They were very short texts and he himself confessed in one that he isn’t doing great right now either. (I know what you’re going to say….why should I worry about him, but I can’t help it).

The problem is….he can’t win with me at the moment. If he texts me, I want him to stop and leave me alone, and when he doesn’t text I miss him and wonder why he isn’t texting me.

Im still 90% sure that I can’t take him back, but there’s that 10% niggling doubt that keeps me awake at night. When I imagine that he wont be in my life I feel dreadfully sad. But I mourned his loss once….I could do it again. But this time it’s different….he’s remorseful (or so he says) and he isn’t with the OW. It was easy to hate him when he was with her betraying me.

My counsellor told me to separate the two different men…..the old H has gone, he no longer exists. Although the new H may look and sound like the old one, he isn’t, he’s a liar and a cheat. But my heart is struggling to process that!!

And so since New Year I’ve been feeling completely depressed about it all, not knowing what to do and living in no man’s land. Most of the time I try and block it out of my mind and forget that there is a choice I will have to make one day but no man’s land is not a good place to reside and I’m scared of stepping back into reality.

And am I being fair on him not letting him know where he stands? Should I be asking him outright for a divorce whilst I’m still not 100% sure?

I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about how low I’m feeling because there’s a lot of people struggling for different reasons at the moment (good old January blues) but I know I can’t go on like this much longer.

Please someone get me off this No man’s land and onto a paradise island!!!

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