2015 – No Man’s Land

“An indeterminate or undefined place or state” – sums up how I’m feeling at the beginning of this ‘New Year’.

I had a lovely christmas with my family but since New Year’s Eve I have taken about a million steps backwards and I’m in a bad place.

All my social media is full of friends getting engaged, married, moving house, having babies – and I’m feeling very very sorry for myself!

I’m struggling to imagine myself ever getting married again, makes me physically sick to think of re-living a wedding day. I’m finding it hard to imagine someone fitting into my family again, having to re-introduce someone to all my relatives and friends. H knows them all, is it not just easier to allow him back in?

I’m also feeling extremely broody and want to have a family of my own. My 90 year old Grandad has been poorly over Christmas, he’s getting older by the day, as are my parents – I want them all to be there when I have kids of my own – would it just be easier and quicker to allow H back in to make this happen sooner rather than risking the fact that I may never have children?

I want my own home again, a place to call my own and have my own space to relax and watch what I want on TV, cook what I want for dinner, leave the dirty dishes out overnight if I want to – I can’t buy anywhere until I’ve sorted out what I’m going to do, I’m still married to H.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that I have to want him back for the right reasons not to just ‘make do’ so I can have all of the above, and I know it’s not the easy way out because Forgiving and Forgetting would be near impossible, but I’m really struggling to imagine letting go (again!).

So where are we up to – I’ve heard less from him in recent weeks, he went through a stage of texting me quite a bit but then I think he wanted to give me some space. I saw him before Christmas because he wanted to give me some gifts from his family. He also handed me an envelope from him. I opened it on Christmas eve (to save me the upset on Christmas day). In it was a gift…tickets to watch a band (not cheap I should add!!). The card read ‘I will always love you’.

I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know whether I could accept the gift. I’m still unsure what I’ll do with the tickets when they arrive. But he’s a fool if he thinks a gesture like this will right all the wrongs.

But since then I haven’t spoken to him and only had 1 or 2 texts about some old bills we needed to pay. They were very short texts and he himself confessed in one that he isn’t doing great right now either. (I know what you’re going to say….why should I worry about him, but I can’t help it).

The problem is….he can’t win with me at the moment. If he texts me, I want him to stop and leave me alone, and when he doesn’t text I miss him and wonder why he isn’t texting me.

Im still 90% sure that I can’t take him back, but there’s that 10% niggling doubt that keeps me awake at night. When I imagine that he wont be in my life I feel dreadfully sad. But I mourned his loss once….I could do it again. But this time it’s different….he’s remorseful (or so he says) and he isn’t with the OW. It was easy to hate him when he was with her betraying me.

My counsellor told me to separate the two different men…..the old H has gone, he no longer exists. Although the new H may look and sound like the old one, he isn’t, he’s a liar and a cheat. But my heart is struggling to process that!!

And so since New Year I’ve been feeling completely depressed about it all, not knowing what to do and living in no man’s land. Most of the time I try and block it out of my mind and forget that there is a choice I will have to make one day but no man’s land is not a good place to reside and I’m scared of stepping back into reality.

And am I being fair on him not letting him know where he stands? Should I be asking him outright for a divorce whilst I’m still not 100% sure?

I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about how low I’m feeling because there’s a lot of people struggling for different reasons at the moment (good old January blues) but I know I can’t go on like this much longer.

Please someone get me off this No man’s land and onto a paradise island!!!

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Signed my home away

Well…been to solicitors this morning with H to sign ‘our’ home away.

To say it was a traumatic experience would be an understatement.

I cried….he cried….I feel sick at the thought that in two weeks’ time, I won’t have a home to call my own. I will have to cram all my belongings into the bedroom I last lived in when I was 20.

I’m not the only one

I was listening to the radio on the way home tonight and for the first time I really listened to the lyrics to Sam Smith’s ‘I’m not the only one’. It really made me feel quite sad as I could relate to nearly every word, and just had to share it.

I suggest you watch the music video on you tube as it’s quite hard hitting (actually made me feel physically sick) but here are a copy of the lyrics:

[Verse 1]
You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can’t believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
For months on end I’ve had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here

[Chorus]
You say I’m crazy
Cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done
But when you call me baby
I know I’m not the only one

[Verse 2]
You’ve been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though Lord knows you kept mine

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You’ve made me realise my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up

[Chorus]

Life is like a camera…

I haven’t written for a while, not because I haven’t had anything to say but a lot has been happening…I should quickly add…not in relation to my husband..No, I STILL haven’t heard anything from him, his belongings remain exactly where he left them in our home, still no conversations about what we will do with our home and about ‘officially separating’ (still struggling with the D word!!).

I have had a busy few weeks with different occasions – Firstly we had multiple family birthdays, then it was my Mum and Dad’s 40th wedding anniversary and then just last weekend it was my friend’s wedding.

She is a friend from university days, all of us ‘uni lot’ were invited as expected, it was lovely to catch up with everyone (we don’t get to do it often enough)…but one university friend was absent….he wasn’t invited…he’s my husband!

The thing is….our mutual university friends want nothing to do with him. They are angry with him for what he has done, the way he has treated me – I have never once asked them to take sides and have actually told them that there will be no hard feelings if they want to meet up with him, but they have made up their own minds!

To be honest, he hasn’t tried making contact with any of them and we all now realise that he had been distancing himself from them for a while. It was always me who was contacting them to arrange times to meet, or catch up on facebook…he never bothered!

It was hard having to attend the wedding ceremony – listening to those vows being spoken, promises between two people….commitments I had made to MY husband, and him to me: ‘I promise to love you and be faithful to you for as long as we both shall live’. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined at the time I uttered those words to him and him to me that I would be here today, devastated by his infidelity.

I am lucky to have such wonderful friends, and they supported me throughout the day. We laughed a lot, danced a lot, drank a lot but I also cried (a little).

I have been taking lots of pictures recently due to the numerous celebrations we have had, and I have been posting them all on facebook to share with friends (but also partly to rub salt in the wound that he isn’t there…not that it would evoke any emotion in him, but it makes me feel a bit better). I’ve also made sure I look damn good in all the photos too! 😉

Everyone keeps telling me what a wonderful time I seem to be having recently, that I look amazing, and that they’re glad to see me having fun in all the pictures, enjoying myself and ‘becoming stronger’. Truth is….Yes, I have had some wonderful times over the last few weeks….but nobody is photographing and capturing the moments when I am in utter despair, when I can’t stop crying, when I feel lonely and miss my husband so very much. I haven’t ‘instagrammed’ myself crying so hard I feel like throwing up, I haven’t taken a ‘selfie’ as I lie alone awake at night longing for him to be lying beside me.

I DO want people to see me having a good time (especially my husband, so he realises what he’s given up!) but I also hope people realise that I still feel very sad, lonely and scared.

Even though I would never have gone to the wedding if he had been there, I felt a little sad for him that he will no longer be a part of our group of friends, friends that have played a big part in his life. They were there from the very start of our relationship. They know us both equally (or at least they thought they did..they now question themselves as to whether we all got him so very wrong and that he is now showing his true colours) I wonder what he thought when he looked through all the photos of us together, laughing and joking, or has he changed so much that he wouldn’t even give it a second thought?

My friend had a photobooth at the wedding and we took some brilliant and hilarious photos of us all – I have put copies up on my dressing room wall to remind me of the wonderful friends I have in my life who are always there no matter what time of day or night I need them. The photos make me smile every morning, even if only for a moment!

I will end this post with a wonderful quote I found:

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On Your Bike

‘Life is like riding a bicycle’ – Albert Einstein, 1930

Today, I achieved something! I have started cycling, and for the last few weeks I have just been doing short circuits around the block in the village where my parents live (about 6 miles or so).

Today, my brother in law (who is an avid cyclist) came with me for a ride. He persuaded me to try a different route, something a bit more challenging, I thought we would perhaps turn around after a while but 20 miles later after climbing 2,000ft in all, we arrived back at my Mum and Dads! This may not seem much to the sporty amongst you, but for me this was one hell of a big achievement!

All the way I kept saying to myself ‘I don’t think I can do this’, I kept thinking about the next hill I had to climb instead of focussing on where I was, I kept panicking, I was convinced we would have to call my Mum to come pick me up.

My brother in law was incredible, he calmed me down, told me to take deep breaths, stop tensing my muscles, he told me to take it easy, to keep a pace I felt I could manage. He also said that I could stop as many times as I needed to catch my breath and re-charge, and guess what…I did it! I rode all the way, no walking, yes there was the odd time I had to stop to take a breath and have some water, but I rode the full 20miles (up some steep hills!).

Part of what kept me going was wanting to prove to myself ‘I can do this‘, and I want to plaster it all over my twitter and facebook so that HE can see what I have achieved!!

It got me thinking – my current situation is very much like a bike ride. I am faced every day with a hill to climb, I never think I will be able to get over it, I panick about all the hills I will have to climb in future, I suffer physically and mentally every single day but try my best not to get off the bike!

I need to stop thinking about all the bad days that are yet to come, panicking about which direction my life might take, I just need to focus on the here and now and let myself go through each emotion as it comes instead of ‘tensing my muscles’ and fighting against it.

I also need to remember that it’s fine to take a breather, to stop and take stock of what’s happening. Recently, I have thrown myself into work, spending long hours in the office and working weekends….I haven’t allowed myself time to absorb what’s happening, and last week it caught up with me and I had a breakdown in work where I couldn’t stop crying.

I’ve also been worried and felt pressured by friends to start ‘sorting’ things out. ‘Put his stuff in a bag‘, ‘you need to decide if you’re going to stay in the house or not’. I don’t feel able or ready yet, because I keep wondering why I should be sorting everything when I didn’t ask for any of this! It’s all too painful. So I’ve decided I’m going to ride at a speed that feels comfortable for me, a pace I can manage.

Today has spurred me on to keep up the training, and hopefully one day, I won’t even notice the hills!