“To expend effort but make little or no progress to achievement of a goal or an end”
This is how I have felt since I last posted, I have continued with day to day life…working, eating, sleeping….but in terms of my relationship with H….nothing has changed, and it is playing on my mind.
A lot has happened over the last few weeks, my sister got married and then two days later my Grandfather died, so it’s fair to say it’s been pretty emotional and I have been reflecting a lot on my life…feeling sad that my Grandfather didn’t live to see me happy in love again (after officiating mine and H’s marriage), and feeling such envy for my sister starting on her exciting and happy journey as a married woman, a time I remember so fondly.
I have only seen H a couple of times since my last blog, mainly to exchange belongings or gifts from his family for my birthday, and it is always very civilised and weirdly ‘normal’. I remain polite, and he is very friendly and cracks his usual jokes. He has learnt to cook and goes to the gym…which shocked me as these were two of his least favourite things!!
He texts me every now and again to see how I am and extended his sympathies when my Grandfather died…..it’s always general ‘normal’ chat, but neither of us every talk about ‘us’, where we are headed….and particularly the ‘D’ word.
I confess……I am TERRIFIED of the D word. I don’t want to talk to him about it and I can’t imagine being a ‘divorcee’, I feel sick at the thought of it….it feels so ‘final’, that he will be out of my life, that he will no longer be my husband. I know it will have to happen one day. My friends are all worried that if I don’t get it sorted sooner rather than later that I will not be able to move on with my life, because they know that I have values and morals, and whilst I am still married won’t even be able to think about moving on. They keep telling me to get it sorted ASAP and can’t understand when I try to explain my reluctance.
The more I think about it the more frightened I get, and I feel over the last few weeks that I have taken huge strides backwards mentally and emotionally.
I have been thinking a lot about our life together….memories….and I have felt great sadness and loss again, a phase I thought had passed. I get ‘cold feet’ wondering if I should just ask him if we can try again…..but I know that this is not possible, that I could not forgive and forget….but there is ALWAYS that niggling doubt in my mind.
More and more of my friends are having children, it seems to be surrounding me everywhere I go…..and this is one of the most poignant things for me….because I desperately want a family, and if I I can’t move on from this moment, I feel time will be running out (I know everyone keeps telling me Im only 31 but it could take years and years).
I feel lost, and although my head is staying above the water and I keep living day by day….I am trreading water and not progressing towards a future….however it may look.
I have been saving money for a house….but I don’t feel ready to leave my parents’ house and be on my own again, I don’t even know where I want to live.
My friends are all just living their lives and I hear less from them than I did when all this mess started, which also makes me feel very lonely.
This morning…H text me….his Grandmother died. I could not believe it, after losing my Grandfather and now he lost his Grandmother….you can imagine that my emotions took another turn. I felt sad because…I was clearly one of the first people he text at 1am to tell me, I couldnt help but feel he was turning to me for support, a shoulder to cry on…..I should have been there to hug him tight and tell him everything will be ok…but I wasn’t. I sent messages to his Mum, Dad, sister and Aunt to extend my deepest sympathies. Once again the memories came flooding back…. memories of visiting his Gradndmother and spending every other Christmas Eve in her house…..and I felt sad.
My emotions are so torn, I am feeling that overwhelming sense of grieving again for our relationship, for the man I loved…..and although he isn’t the same man that I married, knowing that he is still out there makes it feel impossible to cut the ties.
I haven’t spoken to many people about how I’m feeling…..on the surface, everyone is seeing a woman who is carrying on with every day life, with a promotion in work, trying to keep busy out of work….when actually under the surface my legs are working like hell to try and keep me afloat and saving me from having a meltdown!
I don’t know how to move on from this ‘phase’, how to start swimming at greath lengths to reach the shore instead of treading water……with the risk of a great white shark coming to bite me on the ass in the meantime!