Treading Water

“To expend effort but make little or no progress to achievement of a goal or an end”

This is how I have felt since I last posted, I have continued with day to day life…working, eating, sleeping….but in terms of my relationship with H….nothing has changed, and it is playing on my mind. 

A lot has happened over the last few weeks, my sister got married and then two days later my Grandfather died, so it’s fair to say it’s been pretty emotional and I have been reflecting a lot on my life…feeling sad that my Grandfather didn’t live to see me happy in love again (after officiating mine and H’s marriage), and feeling such envy for my sister starting on her exciting and happy journey as a married woman, a time I remember so fondly. 

I have only seen H a couple of times since my last blog, mainly to exchange belongings or gifts from his family for my birthday, and it is always very civilised and weirdly ‘normal’. I remain polite, and he is very friendly and cracks his usual jokes. He has learnt to cook and goes to the gym…which shocked me as these were two of his least favourite things!! 

He texts me every now and again to see how I am and extended his sympathies when my Grandfather died…..it’s always general ‘normal’ chat, but neither of us every talk about ‘us’, where we are headed….and particularly the ‘D’ word. 

I confess……I am TERRIFIED of the D word. I don’t want to talk to him about it and I can’t imagine being a ‘divorcee’, I feel sick at the thought of it….it feels so ‘final’, that he will be out of my life, that he will no longer be my husband. I know it will have to happen one day. My friends are all worried that if I don’t get it sorted sooner rather than later that I will not be able to move on with my life, because they know that I have values and morals, and whilst I am still married won’t even be able to think about moving on. They keep telling me to get it sorted ASAP and can’t understand when I try to explain my reluctance.

The more I think about it the more frightened I get, and I feel over the last few weeks that I have taken huge strides backwards mentally and emotionally.  

I have been thinking a lot about our life together….memories….and I have felt great sadness and loss again, a phase I thought had passed. I get ‘cold feet’ wondering if I should just ask him if we can try again…..but I know that this is not possible, that I could not forgive and forget….but there is ALWAYS that niggling doubt in my mind.

More and more of my friends are having children, it seems to be surrounding me everywhere I go…..and this is one of the most poignant things for me….because I desperately want a family, and if I I can’t move on from this moment, I feel time will be running out (I know everyone keeps telling me Im only 31 but it could take years and years). 

I feel lost, and although my head is staying above the water and I keep living day by day….I am trreading water and not progressing towards a future….however it may look. 

I have been saving money for a house….but I don’t feel ready to leave my parents’ house and be on my own again, I don’t even know where I want to live. 

My friends are all just living their lives and I hear less from them than I did when all this mess started, which also makes me feel very lonely. 

This morning…H text me….his Grandmother died. I could not believe it, after losing my Grandfather and now he lost his Grandmother….you can imagine that my emotions took another turn. I felt sad because…I was clearly one of the first people he text at 1am to tell me, I couldnt help but feel he was turning to me for support, a shoulder to cry on…..I should have been there to hug him tight and tell him everything will be ok…but I wasn’t. I sent messages to his Mum, Dad, sister and Aunt to extend my deepest sympathies. Once again the memories came flooding back…. memories of visiting his Gradndmother and spending every other Christmas Eve in her house…..and I felt sad. 
My emotions are so torn, I am feeling that overwhelming sense of grieving again for our relationship, for the man I loved…..and although he isn’t the same man that I married, knowing that he is still out there makes it feel impossible to cut the ties. 

I haven’t spoken to many people about how I’m feeling…..on the surface, everyone is seeing a woman who is carrying on with every day life, with a promotion in work, trying to keep busy out of work….when actually under the surface my legs are working like hell to try and keep me afloat and saving me from having a meltdown! 
I don’t know how to move on from this ‘phase’, how to start swimming at greath lengths to reach the shore instead of treading water……with the risk of a great white shark coming to bite me on the ass in the meantime! 

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Goodbye home!

It’s done, the sale has been completed, by now the new owners will be full of excitement ready to move their furniture into the home I had to give up.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon cleaning the house while H moved the rest of his stuff. We both stood in the empty shell, sobbing our hearts out and he apologised over and over again for what he has done. All this heartache completely unnecessary….for what? For him to have his bit of fun then only to realise what a mistake he made!

I said goodbye to my wonderful neighbours, who were also sad to see me go.

I feel empty, sad, scared, lost, homesick and grief….I did not sleep at all last night, I have cried and cried and been unable to go to work today….first day throughout the whole ordeal since d-day I have had to take a day off. It just all felt too much.

H is not dealing with it very well….I think he was in denial about the whole thing!

I’m going through all my bills, changing address…it all feels so surreal.

I keep reminding myself that, although I loved my home, the first we ever owned, our marital home, and where I spent many happy memories…bad things also happened while I was there, and I mustn’t lose sight of that.

But for today….

Goodbye home, thank you for all the happy times, I will never forget you!

Packing old memories

Packing up my home is far more painful than I could have imagined.

Packing up 10 years of memories is what I’m really struggling with – the photos of our various holidays, the box full of wedding memories, photos of our honeymoon, mugs we have collected from our travels, all the wedding presents we were given – it sucks….big time!!!

It’s also playing with my emotions towards him….seeing him crying as we decide what he should take and what I should take, knowing he has nowhere to live yet, just breaks my heart….which is crazy, I know it is, you don’t have to tell me!!

I’m trying to separate the two issues and not let my emotions about leaving my home play with my feelings towards him.

I’ve been staying at my parents’ (my childhood home) whilst I move my stuff back and to, and I already feel homesick, for both home and husband!

Even though it’s my childhood home, where I lived for 20 years, moving a house full of stuff into a garage and one bedroom is a struggle and I hate that I have to impose on my parents and turn their house upside down.

Only another 3 days of packing and moving until the house belongs to someone else. My first house, our marital home will be but a memory packed up into boxes.

I hope it gets easier because right now I feel in a very dark, sad and lonely place!

Denial

I knew it….he’s in denial!

We met to discuss how we would split our furniture..he hasn’t even thought about it, he has nowhere to put anything, as he is staying with a friend. He doesn’t know where he’s going to live yet, although he might rent a flat.

Then….he asked me the dreaded question “is there any point in me staying round here, do you still love me?”

Is the fact that I really don’t know the answer to that question acceptable? I love the husband I knew and married, I don’t love the cheating lying scumbag he became but can I learn to love the remorseful, ‘I made a mistake’ husband he is now? Can I? Is it so bad that I don’t know the answer? He seemed to think so! He thought I should have a ‘gut feeling’….well I don’t! I’m such a confused mess I have no idea!

I also explained that it’s not just about love and that Trust is quite a big deal for me….and I don’t know whether I could ever trust him again. I also don’t know if I could ever reconnect physically with him.

But should I know? Am I a freak for not knowing?

I explained that I can’t and shouldn’t have to make a decision right now, but he took that as me meaning that I don’t think there’s any way back and that he should leave. That’s not what I meant at all, it isn’t my place to tell him right now whether he should stay or leave.

The fact that his whole living arrangements are determined by whether I’m going to give him a chance or not, whether he stays living here or moves elsewhere, is pressure I just can’t take right now.

I had mentioned a few weeks ago that it might be a good idea for us to go to counselling…he took this to mean that I wanted to work everything out, whereas what I really wanted was to see if we could find a way through….no guarantees!

Towards the end of our meet up he reacted badly and started being very short with me, like he was really pissed off with me for being honest. Why? Because he was in denial. I think he thought that I would just turn round and reassure him that if he sticks around, rents a flat somewhere for 6 months, by then we will get back together and live happily ever after!

I know a part of me will always love him, and I am sick to my stomach at the thought of letting go (again!!), but this is a genuine question to those who have been in a similar situation – should I know if I can still love him?

I feel sad

Tonight….I just feel really sad. I have cried for most of the evening, I haven’t had an episode like this for a while.

I feel sad because the time is getting nearer to having to say goodbye to my lovely home. I have to pack up my world into cardboard boxes and say goodbye to the four walls that were my first home, my marital home, but also the home where I was cheated and lied to.

I feel sad because I miss my husband terribly. We are in touch and he still wants me to give him another chance, I am still struggling to see how I could forgive and forget, my instinct keeps telling me I couldn’t…but it doesn’t stop me feeling sad and missing him.

He has been offered a job in the town we used to live in during university days (2 hours’ drive away) and he wants me to tell him whether he should go or not, because the only reason he would stay is because of me….I told him I can’t tell him whether to stay or go, he has to make that decision.

I feel stressed, I feel scared, I feel sad.

That’s all I can say tonight 😦

The Resurrection

I desperately need some advice! And I’m hopeful that you wonderful people reading my blog won’t let me down.

This last week has been a week of emotional turmoil for me.

As you know from previous posts, I have had very limited contact from my husband over the past 9 months since he left, but this last week started off with a very brief e-mail from my husband asking if I had taken any steps towards selling the house. It was probably the push I needed (read my last blog for more detail) so I took the plunge and contacted the estate agents and arranged an appointment for this week. I was devastated at doing this, I am still really struggling with the thought of leaving my home, and after cleaning and sorting it this weekend, it looks pretty damn good! 😦

I updated my husband about the estate agents, and we had some e-mails back and forth, but I did NOT expect one e-mail…it was an outpouring of apology, guilt, remorse, saying he wished he could go back in time and change everything. He wished he had made a different choice when I gave him the chance. It’s taken him 9 months….I knew it would happen one day, maybe a year or even 10 years down the line, but I didn’t expect it this week! He also asked if I would consider meeting up with him, to which I responded I think it would be sensible as we have things to discuss, like the house.

Then, two nights later, the texts started pouring in….again, telling me how sorry he was, how much he regrets everything, how he will never forgive himself for the pain he has caused me, how we should have been looking to start a family right now, not separating. I replied to each and every comment, trying to remain calm and strong at all times. But I struggled, especially when he tried to have ‘banter’ with me and remind me of old memories, it was really hard not to revert to old ways and be completely normal with him.

But one thing I was surprised about…I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t feel like I wanted to text a string of abuse back at him, as I say I remained calm. But this has made me feel uneasy and I feel like my head is a confused mess!!

I don’t know whether he is doing this so he can feel better about what he’s done, looking for me to forgive him so that he can feel less guilt, or whether he is genuinely regretful and wants some reconciliation, or expecting me to give him another chance.

I have no idea if he is still with the OW, but the fact that he is reminiscing about our honeymoon and saying he cried listening to ‘our music’ makes me think they aren’t together anymore.

It really does seem as if he has had a wake up call and I have asked him why it has taken him until now to have this change of heart about his actions and he said he is re-finding the person he used to be, he says he had become an arrogant prick that was obsessed with his own self importance instead of being true to who he was. He knows that how he behaved was awful and completely unacceptable and that he upset a hell of a lot of people in the process.

He has text again tonight, he is just asking me general stuff and I just don’t know how best to respond. I have remained calm and texted back trying not to be over friendly, but I feel very very strange about it all.

We are meeting later this week and I have asked for two things only – truth and honesty! And he has promised that he will adhere to this. (Although I know I won’t know for sure).

I’m not sure how to approach this, I think I will be able to stay strong as I don’t see any point in getting angry and shout abuse at him anymore, but neither do I want to be too friendly – I want him to know exactly how much he has hurt me, how much my heart aches every single day!

One thing that has really got me thinking – he mentioned he may move back to his home town which is quite a distance from where I live and said that he really hoped we could still talk. Obviously in time I don’t know what will happen, but is it really possible to be friends with a husband who cheated on you? How can I be friends with him, and see him flaunting new relationships in front of me, especially when my feelings never changed towards him!

My head really does feel in a mess, I’ve no idea how I should react to this, and I have so many questions that need answers.

Whilst we have not been in contact at all over the past 9 months I have had to grieve the loss of my husband, who disappeared from my life. I’ve had to start adapting to life without him, not knowing where he is or what he’s doing…..and now all of a sudden he’s back! I can only describe it as discovering someone you thought had died has been resurrected! (But obviously not in a happy or celebratory way….he’s still a lying cheat!)

Over the past 9 months I have had to start to imagine a future without him, and I have proven to myself that although I wanted him in my life I actually don’t ‘need’ him to get through the day. I used to think that I couldn’t live without him whereas actually I have survived 9 months without him! But…and this is a big BUT….if he turned up on the doorstep tomorrow (like he threatened to do on Friday night) and begged me to take him back…I have absolutely no idea what I would say or do or how I would feel.

There are many people who would not be able to accept him back into their lives after all the hurt he has caused, and of course I don’t know if I could ever forgive him for what he has done, but would I be willing to give him another chance? I have absolutely no idea! I must add that some of my friends who I’ve told have asked me to be mindful and not get sucked into his lies, and of course it’s not like I’ve forgotten what he has done to me – I still cry most days about how much he has hurt me, and I’ve been telling him that in my texts.

Any advice would be very much appreciated!

HELP!