Treading Water

“To expend effort but make little or no progress to achievement of a goal or an end”

This is how I have felt since I last posted, I have continued with day to day life…working, eating, sleeping….but in terms of my relationship with H….nothing has changed, and it is playing on my mind. 

A lot has happened over the last few weeks, my sister got married and then two days later my Grandfather died, so it’s fair to say it’s been pretty emotional and I have been reflecting a lot on my life…feeling sad that my Grandfather didn’t live to see me happy in love again (after officiating mine and H’s marriage), and feeling such envy for my sister starting on her exciting and happy journey as a married woman, a time I remember so fondly. 

I have only seen H a couple of times since my last blog, mainly to exchange belongings or gifts from his family for my birthday, and it is always very civilised and weirdly ‘normal’. I remain polite, and he is very friendly and cracks his usual jokes. He has learnt to cook and goes to the gym…which shocked me as these were two of his least favourite things!! 

He texts me every now and again to see how I am and extended his sympathies when my Grandfather died…..it’s always general ‘normal’ chat, but neither of us every talk about ‘us’, where we are headed….and particularly the ‘D’ word. 

I confess……I am TERRIFIED of the D word. I don’t want to talk to him about it and I can’t imagine being a ‘divorcee’, I feel sick at the thought of it….it feels so ‘final’, that he will be out of my life, that he will no longer be my husband. I know it will have to happen one day. My friends are all worried that if I don’t get it sorted sooner rather than later that I will not be able to move on with my life, because they know that I have values and morals, and whilst I am still married won’t even be able to think about moving on. They keep telling me to get it sorted ASAP and can’t understand when I try to explain my reluctance.

The more I think about it the more frightened I get, and I feel over the last few weeks that I have taken huge strides backwards mentally and emotionally.  

I have been thinking a lot about our life together….memories….and I have felt great sadness and loss again, a phase I thought had passed. I get ‘cold feet’ wondering if I should just ask him if we can try again…..but I know that this is not possible, that I could not forgive and forget….but there is ALWAYS that niggling doubt in my mind.

More and more of my friends are having children, it seems to be surrounding me everywhere I go…..and this is one of the most poignant things for me….because I desperately want a family, and if I I can’t move on from this moment, I feel time will be running out (I know everyone keeps telling me Im only 31 but it could take years and years). 

I feel lost, and although my head is staying above the water and I keep living day by day….I am trreading water and not progressing towards a future….however it may look. 

I have been saving money for a house….but I don’t feel ready to leave my parents’ house and be on my own again, I don’t even know where I want to live. 

My friends are all just living their lives and I hear less from them than I did when all this mess started, which also makes me feel very lonely. 

This morning…H text me….his Grandmother died. I could not believe it, after losing my Grandfather and now he lost his Grandmother….you can imagine that my emotions took another turn. I felt sad because…I was clearly one of the first people he text at 1am to tell me, I couldnt help but feel he was turning to me for support, a shoulder to cry on…..I should have been there to hug him tight and tell him everything will be ok…but I wasn’t. I sent messages to his Mum, Dad, sister and Aunt to extend my deepest sympathies. Once again the memories came flooding back…. memories of visiting his Gradndmother and spending every other Christmas Eve in her house…..and I felt sad. 
My emotions are so torn, I am feeling that overwhelming sense of grieving again for our relationship, for the man I loved…..and although he isn’t the same man that I married, knowing that he is still out there makes it feel impossible to cut the ties. 

I haven’t spoken to many people about how I’m feeling…..on the surface, everyone is seeing a woman who is carrying on with every day life, with a promotion in work, trying to keep busy out of work….when actually under the surface my legs are working like hell to try and keep me afloat and saving me from having a meltdown! 
I don’t know how to move on from this ‘phase’, how to start swimming at greath lengths to reach the shore instead of treading water……with the risk of a great white shark coming to bite me on the ass in the meantime! 

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8 thoughts on “Treading Water

  1. Let go says:

    I still think you need to contact the other woman. If the agreement to go their separate ways was mutual you and he might have a chance. If she dumped him and you are plan b I don’t think he is sincere. Their affair lasted a long time and he cut off all contact with you. All that needs to be addressed before you can make a decision.

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    • I know, you’re right, there are still unanswered questions…but will I open a whole other can of worms and should I just let it lie? I think she ended it because I saw on social media that she was in another relationship nearly immediately after they supposedly split up, which suggests she perhaps did the same to him as he did to me!

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  2. I get where your at. The uncertainity of not knowing, of the future and if they still fit into the picture. I’ve come to realize that making the decision to end this is going to be the hardest choice,because I still love the man that I fell in love with. The one that lives on the otherside of our front door, the man who in public is a good man. It’s the one I live with that I don’t like because in my case he’s different when no ones looking. Guess now that I know who he is without the mask means he doesn’t have to pretend with me any longer. But that is precisely the problem – the jeykl/hyde thing openly apparent means by staying I accept his abusive ways -and continued manipulation. I don’t think i can handle that- it’s one thing to not know whats going on (kept in the dark) and another to know and accept it. I wish it was not so but it is fact. Having been able to communicate with the (AP) has made me move past the affair and look deeper into the marriage itself and our twisted dynamics. It is not a pretty picture and makes me wanna run. Yet somehow I can’t do it. I know it’s the right thing but so fucking hard. I’ve decided I need to see a therapist because I am at a standstill-and can’t move in either direction. Despite knowing that I truthfully should move on. It’s the only to help me find myself again. I just don’t know if I have the energy to start again, especially since it’s becoming apparent there are very few good men out there, and likely most are unavailable. It would be just my luck to get one next time around that is abusive and doesn’t work or have anything good in their life. I’ve been down that path before. So I agree somewhat with the previous post if he ended it on his own -he may be worth giving another chance so in your heart if it is over you know you gave it one last chance so can walk with head held up. Many may say women who stay are crazy but every story is different and no one has to walk in your shoes so makes those choices based on what you choose. Even if it may seem wrong to try it is your choice.

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    • Thank you so much. It is so very hard. And my biggest fear is exactly what you said…the very thought of having to start again, and what if the next one’s no better!!! It seems so common nowadays that Im beginning to lose faith in humanity!!
      But I also know that going back would not be easy and I worry I wouldnt be able to do it…I do hold grudges and I would have to learn to let it go!!
      I have also been considering whether I should go back to therapy, it really helped when this all started, maybe as Im at a standstill I need that bit of help!

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      • Ican see how being already living apart would make it more difficult to decide to try again. You were dealt that seperateness and had to go on, on your own with no say in the decision. You went on and made it through (had too). Sometimes I wish he would of just left way back on d-day, make the decision for me-Call it cognitive disonance or whatever but I hate being so conflicted about it -If you had a good rapore with your counselor then I agree that going back for appt probably the best thing to do for now. I be thinking of you as I struggle as well. I think healing after his affair kinda summed it up pretty well when she said ” I wanted him to fight for me” – “to show me what I mean to him”. I need to know he CHOOSES ME NOT JUST SETTLED! I don’t think thats too much to ask for. Hugs to you –chely

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      • I am exactly the same, it would be so much easier if he just made the decision and asked for a divorce, and I feel the more time that’s passing the harder it’s getting. I will also be thinking of you and hope you find strength to get through x

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      • Thanks for the kind words. You know sometimes I think about what and how they must wrestle with this decision crap themselves. Maybe they’re in no better of a place and finding it just as difficult to know what is the right answer. Maybe there isn’t a right answer anymore, once the bell’s been wrung can’t un- ring it. It is so damn confusing. But I’ll have to say that mine finally began an important step in us moving forward. He finally brought all the investments, retirement, insurances and all financials out on the table and we listed access and passwords and made a file accessable to us both , in case of emergencies. Still have some more to do and a little bit papers and such to be filed but I honestly did not think he would ever start to do it. Time will tell if we complete it all but I am proud of him for opening up to me- I was blown away that he did it. Yea! Maybe yours has honestly seen the error of his ways and will be honest with you. Fingers crossed for us both! chely

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