Treading Water

“To expend effort but make little or no progress to achievement of a goal or an end”

This is how I have felt since I last posted, I have continued with day to day life…working, eating, sleeping….but in terms of my relationship with H….nothing has changed, and it is playing on my mind. 

A lot has happened over the last few weeks, my sister got married and then two days later my Grandfather died, so it’s fair to say it’s been pretty emotional and I have been reflecting a lot on my life…feeling sad that my Grandfather didn’t live to see me happy in love again (after officiating mine and H’s marriage), and feeling such envy for my sister starting on her exciting and happy journey as a married woman, a time I remember so fondly. 

I have only seen H a couple of times since my last blog, mainly to exchange belongings or gifts from his family for my birthday, and it is always very civilised and weirdly ‘normal’. I remain polite, and he is very friendly and cracks his usual jokes. He has learnt to cook and goes to the gym…which shocked me as these were two of his least favourite things!! 

He texts me every now and again to see how I am and extended his sympathies when my Grandfather died…..it’s always general ‘normal’ chat, but neither of us every talk about ‘us’, where we are headed….and particularly the ‘D’ word. 

I confess……I am TERRIFIED of the D word. I don’t want to talk to him about it and I can’t imagine being a ‘divorcee’, I feel sick at the thought of it….it feels so ‘final’, that he will be out of my life, that he will no longer be my husband. I know it will have to happen one day. My friends are all worried that if I don’t get it sorted sooner rather than later that I will not be able to move on with my life, because they know that I have values and morals, and whilst I am still married won’t even be able to think about moving on. They keep telling me to get it sorted ASAP and can’t understand when I try to explain my reluctance.

The more I think about it the more frightened I get, and I feel over the last few weeks that I have taken huge strides backwards mentally and emotionally.  

I have been thinking a lot about our life together….memories….and I have felt great sadness and loss again, a phase I thought had passed. I get ‘cold feet’ wondering if I should just ask him if we can try again…..but I know that this is not possible, that I could not forgive and forget….but there is ALWAYS that niggling doubt in my mind.

More and more of my friends are having children, it seems to be surrounding me everywhere I go…..and this is one of the most poignant things for me….because I desperately want a family, and if I I can’t move on from this moment, I feel time will be running out (I know everyone keeps telling me Im only 31 but it could take years and years). 

I feel lost, and although my head is staying above the water and I keep living day by day….I am trreading water and not progressing towards a future….however it may look. 

I have been saving money for a house….but I don’t feel ready to leave my parents’ house and be on my own again, I don’t even know where I want to live. 

My friends are all just living their lives and I hear less from them than I did when all this mess started, which also makes me feel very lonely. 

This morning…H text me….his Grandmother died. I could not believe it, after losing my Grandfather and now he lost his Grandmother….you can imagine that my emotions took another turn. I felt sad because…I was clearly one of the first people he text at 1am to tell me, I couldnt help but feel he was turning to me for support, a shoulder to cry on…..I should have been there to hug him tight and tell him everything will be ok…but I wasn’t. I sent messages to his Mum, Dad, sister and Aunt to extend my deepest sympathies. Once again the memories came flooding back…. memories of visiting his Gradndmother and spending every other Christmas Eve in her house…..and I felt sad. 
My emotions are so torn, I am feeling that overwhelming sense of grieving again for our relationship, for the man I loved…..and although he isn’t the same man that I married, knowing that he is still out there makes it feel impossible to cut the ties. 

I haven’t spoken to many people about how I’m feeling…..on the surface, everyone is seeing a woman who is carrying on with every day life, with a promotion in work, trying to keep busy out of work….when actually under the surface my legs are working like hell to try and keep me afloat and saving me from having a meltdown! 
I don’t know how to move on from this ‘phase’, how to start swimming at greath lengths to reach the shore instead of treading water……with the risk of a great white shark coming to bite me on the ass in the meantime! 

2015 – No Man’s Land

“An indeterminate or undefined place or state” – sums up how I’m feeling at the beginning of this ‘New Year’.

I had a lovely christmas with my family but since New Year’s Eve I have taken about a million steps backwards and I’m in a bad place.

All my social media is full of friends getting engaged, married, moving house, having babies – and I’m feeling very very sorry for myself!

I’m struggling to imagine myself ever getting married again, makes me physically sick to think of re-living a wedding day. I’m finding it hard to imagine someone fitting into my family again, having to re-introduce someone to all my relatives and friends. H knows them all, is it not just easier to allow him back in?

I’m also feeling extremely broody and want to have a family of my own. My 90 year old Grandad has been poorly over Christmas, he’s getting older by the day, as are my parents – I want them all to be there when I have kids of my own – would it just be easier and quicker to allow H back in to make this happen sooner rather than risking the fact that I may never have children?

I want my own home again, a place to call my own and have my own space to relax and watch what I want on TV, cook what I want for dinner, leave the dirty dishes out overnight if I want to – I can’t buy anywhere until I’ve sorted out what I’m going to do, I’m still married to H.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that I have to want him back for the right reasons not to just ‘make do’ so I can have all of the above, and I know it’s not the easy way out because Forgiving and Forgetting would be near impossible, but I’m really struggling to imagine letting go (again!).

So where are we up to – I’ve heard less from him in recent weeks, he went through a stage of texting me quite a bit but then I think he wanted to give me some space. I saw him before Christmas because he wanted to give me some gifts from his family. He also handed me an envelope from him. I opened it on Christmas eve (to save me the upset on Christmas day). In it was a gift…tickets to watch a band (not cheap I should add!!). The card read ‘I will always love you’.

I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know whether I could accept the gift. I’m still unsure what I’ll do with the tickets when they arrive. But he’s a fool if he thinks a gesture like this will right all the wrongs.

But since then I haven’t spoken to him and only had 1 or 2 texts about some old bills we needed to pay. They were very short texts and he himself confessed in one that he isn’t doing great right now either. (I know what you’re going to say….why should I worry about him, but I can’t help it).

The problem is….he can’t win with me at the moment. If he texts me, I want him to stop and leave me alone, and when he doesn’t text I miss him and wonder why he isn’t texting me.

Im still 90% sure that I can’t take him back, but there’s that 10% niggling doubt that keeps me awake at night. When I imagine that he wont be in my life I feel dreadfully sad. But I mourned his loss once….I could do it again. But this time it’s different….he’s remorseful (or so he says) and he isn’t with the OW. It was easy to hate him when he was with her betraying me.

My counsellor told me to separate the two different men…..the old H has gone, he no longer exists. Although the new H may look and sound like the old one, he isn’t, he’s a liar and a cheat. But my heart is struggling to process that!!

And so since New Year I’ve been feeling completely depressed about it all, not knowing what to do and living in no man’s land. Most of the time I try and block it out of my mind and forget that there is a choice I will have to make one day but no man’s land is not a good place to reside and I’m scared of stepping back into reality.

And am I being fair on him not letting him know where he stands? Should I be asking him outright for a divorce whilst I’m still not 100% sure?

I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about how low I’m feeling because there’s a lot of people struggling for different reasons at the moment (good old January blues) but I know I can’t go on like this much longer.

Please someone get me off this No man’s land and onto a paradise island!!!

Goodbye home!

It’s done, the sale has been completed, by now the new owners will be full of excitement ready to move their furniture into the home I had to give up.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon cleaning the house while H moved the rest of his stuff. We both stood in the empty shell, sobbing our hearts out and he apologised over and over again for what he has done. All this heartache completely unnecessary….for what? For him to have his bit of fun then only to realise what a mistake he made!

I said goodbye to my wonderful neighbours, who were also sad to see me go.

I feel empty, sad, scared, lost, homesick and grief….I did not sleep at all last night, I have cried and cried and been unable to go to work today….first day throughout the whole ordeal since d-day I have had to take a day off. It just all felt too much.

H is not dealing with it very well….I think he was in denial about the whole thing!

I’m going through all my bills, changing address…it all feels so surreal.

I keep reminding myself that, although I loved my home, the first we ever owned, our marital home, and where I spent many happy memories…bad things also happened while I was there, and I mustn’t lose sight of that.

But for today….

Goodbye home, thank you for all the happy times, I will never forget you!

Packing old memories

Packing up my home is far more painful than I could have imagined.

Packing up 10 years of memories is what I’m really struggling with – the photos of our various holidays, the box full of wedding memories, photos of our honeymoon, mugs we have collected from our travels, all the wedding presents we were given – it sucks….big time!!!

It’s also playing with my emotions towards him….seeing him crying as we decide what he should take and what I should take, knowing he has nowhere to live yet, just breaks my heart….which is crazy, I know it is, you don’t have to tell me!!

I’m trying to separate the two issues and not let my emotions about leaving my home play with my feelings towards him.

I’ve been staying at my parents’ (my childhood home) whilst I move my stuff back and to, and I already feel homesick, for both home and husband!

Even though it’s my childhood home, where I lived for 20 years, moving a house full of stuff into a garage and one bedroom is a struggle and I hate that I have to impose on my parents and turn their house upside down.

Only another 3 days of packing and moving until the house belongs to someone else. My first house, our marital home will be but a memory packed up into boxes.

I hope it gets easier because right now I feel in a very dark, sad and lonely place!

Denial

I knew it….he’s in denial!

We met to discuss how we would split our furniture..he hasn’t even thought about it, he has nowhere to put anything, as he is staying with a friend. He doesn’t know where he’s going to live yet, although he might rent a flat.

Then….he asked me the dreaded question “is there any point in me staying round here, do you still love me?”

Is the fact that I really don’t know the answer to that question acceptable? I love the husband I knew and married, I don’t love the cheating lying scumbag he became but can I learn to love the remorseful, ‘I made a mistake’ husband he is now? Can I? Is it so bad that I don’t know the answer? He seemed to think so! He thought I should have a ‘gut feeling’….well I don’t! I’m such a confused mess I have no idea!

I also explained that it’s not just about love and that Trust is quite a big deal for me….and I don’t know whether I could ever trust him again. I also don’t know if I could ever reconnect physically with him.

But should I know? Am I a freak for not knowing?

I explained that I can’t and shouldn’t have to make a decision right now, but he took that as me meaning that I don’t think there’s any way back and that he should leave. That’s not what I meant at all, it isn’t my place to tell him right now whether he should stay or leave.

The fact that his whole living arrangements are determined by whether I’m going to give him a chance or not, whether he stays living here or moves elsewhere, is pressure I just can’t take right now.

I had mentioned a few weeks ago that it might be a good idea for us to go to counselling…he took this to mean that I wanted to work everything out, whereas what I really wanted was to see if we could find a way through….no guarantees!

Towards the end of our meet up he reacted badly and started being very short with me, like he was really pissed off with me for being honest. Why? Because he was in denial. I think he thought that I would just turn round and reassure him that if he sticks around, rents a flat somewhere for 6 months, by then we will get back together and live happily ever after!

I know a part of me will always love him, and I am sick to my stomach at the thought of letting go (again!!), but this is a genuine question to those who have been in a similar situation – should I know if I can still love him?

Drowning in my own emotions

It’s a horrible feeling, the feeling of drowning in your own emotions.

There is so much going on in my head at the moment that I can’t seem to process my thoughts in a logical way. I can’t think rationally about anything, and it’s making me feel like I’m going mad.

I think the problem is that too much is happening at once – work is very stressful, I have a final essay to write for a postgraduate course I’m doing and there’s the small matter of needing to pack up my home ready to move….oh and not forgtting the fact that my husband wrote me a letter about how much he loves me, misses me and wants me to give him another chance.

So….is it really surprising I feel like I’m going a little bit crazy? My counsellor says not…it’s perfectly understandable apparently. Apparently I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself and not to expect so much of myself and allow myself to go through these emotions.

My priority is to get my essay done. I’m so close to finishing, I don’t quite know how I’ve managed to study for it this last year but I have, and I’ve passed all my essays so far so don’t want to fall at the last hurdle.

I will then need to focus on vacating my home – ‘allow yourself to grieve’ said the counsellor….I am dreading it, packing my stuff will uncover so many memories along the way, happy memories that I really don’t want to have to face right now (I know my wedding dress is waiting for me in the loft!)

As for husband…I think he’s in denial about the whole thing. He hasn’t even thought about packing or collecting his stuff, and I have no idea where he’s going to put it all as he’s staying in his friend’s spare room. I really think he thinks everything is gonna work its way out and that we will live happily ever after…..right now, I have absolutely no idea what’s gonna happen which brings me neatly to my final point…

My counsellor told me that I have absolutely no pressure to make a decision right now, or ever. If it works out it works out if it doesnt it doesnt…..so why do I feel such a heavy weight on my heart a tightening knot in my stomach, to decide right now whether I think I can give him a chance or not. Why do I think I have to make this decision overnight so we can all just get on with our lives. So I can wake up in the morning and feel ‘normal’ again!

Why do I feel sick imagining having to live without him but also feel sick at the thought of letting him anywhere near me??

I can barely breathe, drowning in a sea of worry, nerves, sadness, heartache, stress….where’s the lifeguard when you need them?